Episode 6 – From Stillness to Strength: Navigating Grief with Self-Care (transcribed)

[INTRO] 

 Welcome to the Broken Vessels podcast. This podcast is hosted by Carrie Ann Bothmer, a mother who has experienced profound grief following the loss of her daughter, Cassie. As bereaved parents, the lasting impact of losing a child changes us forever, leaving us as broken vessels in search of hope and purpose. 

In each episode, Carrie Ann and special guests will share personal stories offering insights and coping strategies covering a wide range of subjects. Carrie Ann’s desire is that through these conversations, you will find a sense of connection, understanding, and perhaps even moments of healing. Let’s take this step together, one episode at a time. 

Now here is your host, Carrie Ann. 

 [EPISODE] 

Welcome to the Broken Vessels podcast. I’m Carrie Ann, and I invite you to join me as we navigate the complexities of grief.  Today’s episode is especially personal for me, as I’ll be sharing my own journey of rediscovering self-care amidst the pain of losing my daughter, Cassie.  

Grief affects every part of who we are, our emotions, our physical health, and our spiritual lives.  It can feel like an overwhelming weight, making even the simplest tasks seem impossible. But in the midst of this pain, I’ve found that taking small steps towards self-care has been crucial for my healing. I’m not here to tell you that self-care will make everything better or take the pain away, because it won’t. 

But I hope that by sharing my story, I can offer some encouragement and practical steps that have helped me find a way to live with my grief. In today’s episode, I’ll talk about my complicated relationship with exercise and how it became a lifeline during some of my darkest days. I’ll also share how creative projects, journaling, and finding moments of peace in nature have helped me reconnect with myself, my family, and God. 

If you’re struggling to find a way forward, Know that you’re not alone. Let’s explore how we can find light in the darkest of places, one small step at a time.  

Growing up, I never considered myself athletic. Gym classes were a source of anxiety. Running the mile, doing pull ups, those were my worst nightmares.  While I dabbled in activities like cheerleading and softball, I always avoided running and didn’t like the idea of sweating at all. Over the years, life became busy with raising children, juggling jobs, and eventually becoming a single mother. Exercise and self-care, well, they took a back seat. I tried various fitness fads like stair steppers, Pilates, and workout DVDs, but nothing stuck. 

By my late 30s, I knew I needed to change. Anxiety, weight gain, and hormonal imbalances were taking a toll on my body. I realized then how deeply connected physical activity was to mental health. I began to see exercise not as a chore, but as a necessary form of self-care. Before Cassie’s death, I maintained a regular exercise routine. 

My daughter’s addiction kept me in a perpetual state of anxiety, and exercise became my outlet. It helped me process my emotion, gave me a sense of control, and served as a time for prayer and reflection. Even a simple walk or run was a way to spend time with God and my thoughts. It kept me grounded, even when life felt like it was spiraling out of control. 

But when Cassie passed away, everything changed. Grief hit me like a tidal wave, and I felt paralyzed. I didn’t want to eat, sleep, Everyday tasks felt impossible. I remember staring out the window, watching life go on around me, while my world felt like it had completely stopped. In that stillness, I realized that I was wasting time. 

Time that I would never get back. I had lost Cassie, and nothing would bring her back to me. But I still had other children, a husband, a life waiting for me to live. I needed to find a way to live with my grief, rather than letting it define me. Gradually, I began to reintegrate self-care into my daily life. 

I found that having a structured, five day a week workout routine gave me a sense of purpose and accountability. On the days when I felt overwhelmed by grief, Knowing I had a commitment to fulfill, no matter how small it was, helped me get out of bed and face that day. This routine became a cornerstone of my healing process, providing a framework to lean on when everything else felt unpredictable. 

Getting back to exercise was not easy, but it was necessary. I needed time to myself, time to be outside, to feel connected to the world again. I started with simple walks while listening to worship music, allowing myself to cry and feel close to Cassie and God. I noticed small signs of hope, like a red cardinal that seemed to follow me on my walks, bouncing from power line to power line. 

These moments reminded me of God’s presence. Even in my pain, I also turned to practical projects to keep my mind busy. During the isolation of COVID 19, my husband, Mark, and I took on a home project, a fire pit, it was grueling physical work, but it gave us something to focus on other than the unbearable reality of losing our daughter. 

We hauled stones, dug trenches, worked through the wind and rain. Maybe it was a way to avoid my grief, but it kept me moving and movement was medicine. Over time, I found that these small steps towards self-care, exercise, creative projects, and time spent in nature were essential for my survival. I needed ways to process my emotions, to feel close to Cassie, and to find meaning in a world that no longer made sense. 

For grieving parents and their families. Self-care can feel like an afterthought, but it’s critical for healing. Grief affects every aspect of our being, emotional, physical, and spiritual. I’ve listed some practical ways that I’ve prioritized self-care during my journey, and I hope that you find it helpful. 

First, emotional self-care. Journaling became an essential outlet. Writing letters to Cassie, expressing my pain, talking to God. All of these things helped me navigate some of my darkest moments. Therapy and counseling also provided tools for coping. Finding the right counselor was crucial for me. Someone who could listen without judgment and walk with me through my grief. 

Physical self-care, maintaining a healthy diet, and regular exercise helped me cope. On days when I skipped physical activity, my grief felt heavier. Gentle activities like walking, stretching, yoga, they all helped release the physical tension that grief brought into my body.  

Mental self-care, prayer, mindfulness, reading.  Listening to podcasts or music, these all provided me moments of peace. 

I learned to set boundaries, allowing myself to say no to social events or conversations that felt too draining. It’s okay to protect your mental energy and take things one step at a time. Spiritual self-care. Faith has been a cornerstone of my journey. Spending time in prayer, reflection, and connecting with my faith community has helped me find solace. 

Nature too, has been a source of spiritual renewal. I’ve learned to notice the small gifts around me, like a blue butterfly dancing among the flowers and to see them as reminders of God’s presence in my life. Practical and social self-care. Simplifying my routine and delegating tasks helped me avoid feeling overwhelmed. 

 Creating a support system of friends and family who understood my pain was crucial. I’ve also learned to recognize which relationships no longer serve me and focus on nurturing new, meaningful connections. Self-care doesn’t erase the pain, but it helps us navigate it in a way that feels ….manageable.  

While grief never truly leaves us, finding ways to care for ourselves can make the journey a little more bearable. It’s okay to have days where self-care feels impossible. What matters is that we keep taking small steps forward, honoring both our grief and our capacity for healing. Remember, self-care is not selfish.  It’s an essential part of survival. As we come to the end of today’s episode, I want to thank you for allowing me to share my story with you. I know that grief can be an incredibly isolating experience. And my hope is that by opening up about my journey, you will feel a little less alone. Remember, there’s no right way to grieve, and self-care doesn’t have to look a certain way. 

It’s about finding those small, meaningful steps that help you feel a little more whole even when everything feels broken. Whether it’s setting a small goal, like taking a five-minute walk, or just finding a moment to deeply breathe. Every step forward matters.  

If today’s episode resonated with you, or you found a piece of encouragement that spoke to your heart, I’d love to hear from you. 

Please reach out through the Broken Vessels website, Facebook page, or leave a review on your favorite podcast platform. If you’re interested in receiving information on upcoming episodes or additional resources, be sure to subscribe for our podcast newsletter and as always know that you’re not alone on this journey. Hold on to hope ,lean into faith and keep moving forward.   Even if it’s just one small step at a time.   Until next time take care and may you find moments of peace in the midst of your pain