Episode 11 – The Invisible Chasm – Grief & Connection (transcribed)

[INTRO] 

 Welcome to the Broken Vessels podcast. This podcast is hosted by Carrie Ann Bothmer, a mother who has experienced profound grief following the loss of her daughter, Cassie. As bereaved parents, the lasting impact of losing a child changes us forever, leaving us as broken vessels in search of hope and purpose. 

In each episode, Carrie Ann and special guests will share personal stories offering insights and coping strategies covering a wide range of subjects. Carrie Ann’s desire is that through these conversations, you will find a sense of connection, understanding, and perhaps even moments of healing. Let’s take this step together, one episode at a time. 

Now here is your host, Carrie Ann. 

 [EPISODE] 

Whether you’re a parent who’s experienced the unthinkable, The loss of a child or someone who walks alongside a grieving friend or loved one. Today’s episode, The Invisible Chasm, Grief and Connection, is for you. Grief can feel like a vast, isolating chasm separating us from the world around us. But the truth is, we are all part of the same human experience, bound together by love, loss, and connection.

If you’re here because you’re grieving, know that you’re not alone and your pain is heard. If you’re here to better understand how to support someone who is grieving, I’m grateful for your willingness to learn. Together, we can bridge the gap between those who are grieving and those who want to offer their love and support.

Let’s begin this journey of connection, healing, and hope.

As the gut wrenching pain of grief pierces our hearts following the loss of our children, we find ourselves thrust into an alternate universe. We are suddenly faced with impossibly heavy decisions, planning memorial services, coordinating funeral arrangements, and making choices about cremation or burial for Each decision, casket or urn, family viewing or limited attendance, music, photos, all of this feels like another box to check while grappling with disbelief.

It’s as if we’re moving through life in a daze, our bodies functioning while our hearts are broken and our lungs struggle to breathe. On April 10th, 2020, as I stood in the hospice watching my daughter’s body being taken away, I felt the weight of this alternate reality. In an instant, my beautiful girl was gone, both spiritually and physically.

What followed for me was an overwhelming need to gather her belongings in that moment, as if I was cleaning up after a party. But this was anything but celebratory. I was left staring at the remnants of her presence in the room. Pictures on the wall, pictures in frames by the bedside, her lamby on the bed, and the small bag of belongings from the hospital.

Each item was a stark reminder of the vibrant life that had just been extinguished, leaving me with an emptiness that words alone couldn’t describe. As we drove home, the world outside seemed untouched by my pain. Families moved forward, blissfully unaware of the chasm that had opened in my life. I felt trapped in a hell of isolation, completely unseen.

My reality had shifted dramatically. While life continued for everyone else, I was trapped in grief. Transcription Upon returning home, the energy I had fought to maintain over the weeks, months, and years collapsed. My family and friends, despite their love, could not fully grasp the depth of my sorrow. My sister, who had faced a similar loss, held me as I crumbled, reminding me that the searing pain would ease with time.

Her presence was a lifeline in that moment, anchoring me in a way that few others could. In the days that followed, we experienced an outpouring of love, even amidst pandemic restrictions. Friends, family, and neighbors showered us with meals, cards, and messages of support. This unexpected kindness provided a necessary foundation. Allowing me to focus on my family while grappling with my own grief. It was a testament to the power of community and the importance of reaching out during times of sorrow. However, the pandemic brought its own challenges. Unlike typical funerals held within a week, we faced a months long wait for a service, forcing us to navigate daily life While feeling like we were in a surreal limbo, my daughter’s absence felt strangely familiar.

We’d been living with her struggles for years. Yet stepping into a new normal became an impossible task. The grief lingered beneath the surface ready to erupt at any moment. When the day for her memorial service finally arrived, it was filled with love. And sorrow. Despite attendance limitations, we worked to ensure my daughter was honored for the vibrant person she was, not just defined by her struggles with addiction.

Every detail was infused with meaning, from the photos that captured her spirit to the music that reflected her essence. Afterward, as the guests left, the reality of her absence hit me harder than ever. The things we had to do were done, but the ache in our hearts was just beginning. From that moment on, I felt the profound loneliness of grief.

Friends and family checked in, but I felt like I was on one side of a vast chasm, with everyone else on the other. I could no longer connect in the same way. Everything about me had changed. Many relationships shifted or faded entirely, while new connections formed with those who understood the complexities of loss.

This transition was both painful and necessary, highlighting the importance of finding support among those who truly understand. Initially, I resisted the idea of joining support groups, feeling my journey was uniquely my own and that no one could understand the depth of my pain. Instead, I found solace in journaling, where I could pour out my emotions in a safe space, capturing the rawness of my grief on paper.

This practice allowed me to articulate thoughts and feelings that often felt too heavy to share aloud. Grief counseling provided a vital layer of support for me, offering professional guidance that helped me untangle my emotions and navigate the complexities of loss. My therapist created a space where I could explore my feelings without judgment, encouraging me to confront my pain rather than suppress it.

My family became my anchor during this tumultuous time. Their love and understanding were invaluable, providing a sense of normalcy amid the chaos. We leaned on each other, sharing memories and stories, which helped to keep my daughter’s spirit alive in our conversations. In addition, I immersed myself in reading and listening to podcasts about grief.

These resources opened my eyes to different perspectives and coping strategies. reminding me that I was not alone in my experience. The voices of others who had walked similar paths provided me with companionship and validation, reassuring me that my feelings were normal and part of the grieving process.

My faith became a cornerstone during this journey, providing strength and hope when I felt most lost. I found solace in sharing my story. Creating a space for others to do the same and honoring my daughter’s memory through traditions and rituals. These practices not only kept her spirit alive but also gave me a sense of purpose amid the chaos of loss, reminding me that I was never truly alone.

As I delved deeper into my grief journey, I recognized that many people, both within and outside the grieving community, Hold misconceptions about what it means to grieve. These misunderstandings can perpetuate feelings of isolation and inadequacy among those mourning. To foster greater empathy and support, it’s important to address these misconceptions, as they significantly impact how we navigate our own grief and support others experiencing loss.

I have listed nine common misconceptions about grief that I personally have encountered.

1. Grief is a linear process. Many believe that grief follows a set path with clear stages, but it’s often messy and unpredictable. Emotions can fluctuate wildly and there’s no right way to grieve. As I’ve said before, The five stages of grief are an endless cycle that repeat themselves.

2. Time heals all wounds. While time can bring some relief, it doesn’t erase the pain of loss. As grieving parents, our grief evolves, but never fully disappears.
3. You should move on after a certain period. Society often places a timeline on grief, suggesting that one should be, quote, over it after a few months. In reality, grief can last a lifetime, with reminders and anniversaries triggering fresh waves of sorrow.
4. Talking about the deceased is painful. Many grieving individuals appreciate when others share memories or talk about their loved ones. It keeps their memory alive and helps validate their feelings. I love talking about Cassie, and yeah, sometimes I’m going to cry, but that shouldn’t inhibit you from engaging in those memories with me or sharing yours.
5. Grief is a private matter. True, while some may prefer solitude, some benefit from sharing their grief with others. Encouraging open conversations can provide healing and connection. If the bereaved does not want to communicate, they’ll let you know, but don’t assume that they want to be left alone.
6. You must grieve alone. It is a misconception that grief must be endured in isolation. Seeking support from family, friends, or support groups can provide comfort and understanding.
7. Everyone grieves the same way. I can assure you grief is highly individual. Each person processes loss differently based on their relationship with their loved one, their personality, and their coping mechanisms. It’s by no means a one size fits all deal, and the way you grieve does not quantify how much you loved.

8. You’ll eventually get over it. While we learn to live with grief, the pain often becomes a part of us. Let me assure you of this. There is no getting over it. Instead, we find ways to incorporate the memory of our loved ones into our lives and learn to live with it.
9. Grief is only about sadness. While sadness is a significant aspect, grief can also encompass a range of emotions, including anger, guilt, confusion, and even moments of joy when remembering happy times.

These emotions can occur at any time, not just in the early days of grief, I still grapple with immense feelings of guilt on a daily basis. It can be difficult for loved ones to understand that these emotions continue to cycle through our grieving minds, so patience is essential. As we navigate the complexities of grief, it becomes increasingly important to seek out connections that provide comfort and understanding.

While misconceptions can create barriers, forming meaningful relationships with others who have experienced similar losses can be incredibly healing. Here are some ways to find those connections and foster a sense of community in your grief journey. Join support groups. Look for a local or online grief support group where you can share your experiences and hear from others who understand your journey.

Connect with others who’ve experienced loss. Reach out to friends or acquaintances who’ve lost loved ones. Sharing stories and emotions can create a sense of camaraderie. Participate in community events. Engage in events or activities focused on remembrance, such as walks for awareness, memorial services, or charity events that honor those who have passed.

Utilize social media. Follow groups or pages dedicated to grief and loss. Engaging in discussions online can help you connect with others navigating similar feelings. Attend workshops or retreats. Seek out workshops focused on grief healing, writing, art, or mindfulness. These can provide tools for expression and connection.

Volunteer. Helping others in a similar situation can create a sense of purpose and connection. Consider volunteering for organizations that support grieving families. Create or join a book club. Choose books that focus on grief and loss and discuss them with others. This can be a gentle way to explore emotions and connect through literature.

Share your story. Consider writing about your experiences through a blog or journaling. Sharing your journey can resonate with others and invite connection. Honor your loved one. Collaborate with others who have lost loved ones to create shared memorials, traditions, or projects that celebrate their lives.

Seek professional support. A therapist or counselor specializing in grief can help you explore your feelings and connect with others who are also grieving. As we work to seek out connections and build supportive networks during our grief, we realize that not everyone is on the same journey. Some of you may be listening today, not as someone who has lost a child, but as someone walking alongside a grieving friend or family member.

Your presence in their lives is invaluable, even if it feels like there’s a chasm between you. Grief often creates that invisible divide. We, on one side, struggling with the loss, and you, on the other, wanting to help but unsure how. I want to take a moment to bridge that gap, to help you understand how meaningful your support can be.

First, know that showing up matters. A simple check in, a text or call, even if they don’t respond, shows them that you’re thinking of them. Listen without trying to fix things. Just being there can mean more than words. Share memories if you knew their child, or if not, ask them about their loved one.

Practical help, like running errands or preparing a meal, is often deeply appreciated when they’re struggling to get through the day. Most importantly, remember that grief is not something to get over. It stays with us, but your continued presence over time helps us find new ways to live alongside it. As we close this episode today, I want to remind you of Romans 12, 15.

Rejoice with those who rejoice. Mourn with those who mourn. This verse reminds us that connection happens in shared experiences, whether in joy or sorrow. Thank you for walking this path with me, for listening, and for being willing to connect in the ways that matter most. Let’s continue to support one another as we honor the lives we’ve lost and the bonds that keep us together.

God bless.