Journal Entry – July 24, 2020

Every day since Cassie passed away, I have found a way to be active. To get outside and run, walk, bike, swim. A way to sweat out my grief. And here I find myself sitting on my front porch, shoes laced, sweatband around my head as the rain pours. I am out of my avoidance routine and wouldn’t you know it, here comes the tears and feelings of hopelessness.

God,I know that you are good. I really do. And I know that I am not supposed to understand everything, but I really want to. For so many years Cassie had been lost in her addiction. I believed she would be restored. And in your presence, I know that she is. I desperately want to understand what that looks like. I continually have images of her when she was healthy and then they move quicly to images of her lifeless body. What now, Lord? Is she just her Spirit? Is she close to me? I miss her so much and just want to know she is safe and held. To catch a glimpse of her and know. I am emptied and lacking faith. God, please help me to see.

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