Journal Entry – June 19, 2020

This week has been herendous. On Sunday June 14th, we held Cassie’s Heavenly Homecoming Service. It all just seems surreal – I feel like I am having an out of body experience. As if none of this is real only to be jolted back into reality. Now what? Where do I go from here and how do I physically find the strength to move. How do I fill this void? realistically, I know nothing ever will – I will never be the same. I miss her so much. I miss the hope I had while there was breath in her lungs. I am angry that I lost her in the first place and have so much guilt. Maybe there was something I could have said or done to change this outcome. Why didn’t I try harder? I am so grieved with “what if’s”.

Lord, please help me to find peace in the midst of thid intolerable pain. Show me where you want me – which steps I should take next that will honor You and serve to honor Cassie. Please equip me with the tools I need to move toward whatever your will is for me. Make it clear, God. I know it is too much to ask, but I pray that you would allow me to catch a glimpse of Cassie in your presence. Restored, whole and held. Help me to know that Cassie felt my love for her and knows my heart.

Thank you, God for Cassie. My sweet daughter. Please hold her close – I would give anything to hold her again.